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Dr. Doug Weiss
1,183 followers -
Helping the world recover from sexual addiction and intimacy anorexia through counseling and healing relationships.
Helping the world recover from sexual addiction and intimacy anorexia through counseling and healing relationships.

1,183 followers
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Intimacy Anorexia Strategy #2 - Read Their Mind

A second and very common strategy for intimacy anorexia is to intentionally create distance and pain for their spouse by what I call “read their mind.”

The intimacy anorexic wants to live in a reality where they are always good. To do that, the spouse of the intimacy anorexic has to be the bad person, according to intimacy anorexic’s reality. Let’s suppose that the intimacy anorexic (IA) has a reasonably decent spouse (which by the way is relatively common). The spouse is being decent and even kind and thoughtful, thinking they are feeling close and that there is the possibility that intimacy or even sex could occur. Remember that intimacy (emotionally, spiritually, or sexually) is what the intimacy anorexic is trying to avoid. What does an IA do when intimacy is happening spontaneously? The IA reads their spouse’s mind.

That’s right, most IA’s have secret superhero powers to read minds. Interestingly enough, this super power only works with their spouse, and it can only read negative thoughts or intentions, even if they are not there in reality. I call this the “intimacy anorexia fantasy.”

They create only the worst fantasies about their spouse such as:

“They are only being nice because they want sex.”

“They are buttering me up for money or to manipulate me.”

“This is a scam.”

“I don’t trust them; they’re going to hurt me.”

“This is really about my spouse to feel good about themselves; they

don’t care about me.”

The negative list goes on for eternity. Now, again, there is no reality to this thinking.

The IA needs to be rescued from potential intimacy. The “I can read your mind” strategy comes to the rescue. Now, because they believe their spouse is bad, negative, critical or up to something (and this is important to understand), they can justify withholding and punishing them or pushing them away by implementing any intimacy anorexia characteristic.

This is important because now they can put their spouse intentionally in pain and yet be completely justified, even though what they are doing is intentionally creating pain for their spouse. The “read your mind” strategy is as crazy making as it gets for the spouse. The intimacy anorexic creates a negative reality that’s not true and becomes judge, jury, and executioner of their spouse’s sins.

If you have done this or lived through this repeatedly, I do understand. Addiction is not fun for anyone.

Join the discussion on reddit at: https://www.reddit.com/r/IntimacyAnorexia/comments/8gqxiy/intimacy_anorexia_strategy_2_read_their_mind/

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Emotionally Unfaithful?

Who are you texting? Why are you texting? Who are you emailing? Where's this coming from? Why is this person calling you at nine o'clock at night? These are questions that go on all the time now in marriages that didn't go on before, and they go on all over the world. Emotional faithfulness has now become a global issue because we are globally connected.

It's pretty clear what it means to be physically unfaithful, but the lines of emotional faithfulness are really less clear. When are we crossing the line to being emotionally unfaithful? That's going to be slightly different per person.

If you're the spouse of someone emotionally unfaithful and you're watching this happen and they're on the Internet for two or three hours at a time talking to people all over the country, it feels emotionally unfaithful that they are sharing their thoughts and feelings with others more regularly than they maybe do with you. You feel like you're left out, like you're the last thing on their list, or last person they want to be with, and that can definitely move us into a topic of emotional unfaithfulness.

Emotions are real. They are real in your life and your relationships. They are so very powerful. You may be able to think differently about something or someone, but when you feel about someone or something, that feeling is very real to you. It can definitely motivate you to want more connection, positive reinforcement. I mean, all of us remember Pavlov's dog, ring the bell, feed the dog. Well, that's true emotionally as well.

If I go to a place and get a positive emotion, I'm going to want to go back to that place. You can gauge who you're really close to emotionally. If something really good happens to you, who are the first two or three people you want to text, call, or email? Those are probably your emotionally closest friends. If your spouse isn't in that top one, two, or three position, you might be in a situation where you have given your emotions to others outside of your marriage, in a stronger reinforcing way than you have to your spouse.

If you're regularly texting or emailing someone and if you have some reason to do it like a professional purpose, that's fine. But, if they start getting personal, watch that. It says you have time, and it says you have value. Private conversations, things you can't talk to your spouse about, that is a real clue that you're starting to move emotionally into a place where you could start becoming unfaithful. Sharing meals alone together without your spouse knowing is definitely a red flag that you are in an emotional situation, because now you're wanting time, you're wanting to eat together, you're wanting that special attention that, really, you should be giving to your spouse or long-term relationship.

This is a time when you start sharing your emotions outside your marriage--the other people get you first, and your spouse gets you second or third. When something good happens to me, I love calling Lisa and celebrating that. She's pretty good about cheerleading me on, and she's also good about hearing me. We have a good, intimate relationship, and I love protecting that. I have to protect it. There are people who might misconstrue it if I'm spending time with them. I don't want to do that.

Ask yourself, "Am I moving in an emotionally unfaithful direction? Do I need to put boundaries in places with some people that are getting too close?"

Join the discussion on reddit at: https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/8ork06/emotionally_unfaithful/

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Do you find yourself fighting against lust a lot? Your lust has a voice and it constantly entices and lies to you to get you to compromise. It will tell you that your life would be better if you just had a relationship with that women, looked at those images or engaged in that behavior. Don't fall for lust's trap. Read more here: https://sexaddict.com/dont-give-into-your-voice-of-lust/

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Check out my new blog post about banning pornography from your life. The cycle of porn is a chemical addiction that hooks you in and gets you to keep coming back for more. Part of the porn "banning" process includes:

1. Being Committed to quit
2. Knowing your triggers
3. Establishing accountability
4. Burning the bridges to pornography
5. Blocking routes to pornography

To read the my full article, visit: https://sexaddict.com/banning-pornography-from-your-life/

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Welcome to the Heart to Heart Counseling Center Google Community,

My name is Dr. Doug Weiss. I have dedicated my life's work in psychology to understanding and treating sex addiction, intimacy anorexia (a lack of intimacy in relationships) and pornography addiction.

I hope you will find the resources, articles and posts here helpful. If you need additional help or counseling please call our office at 719-278-3708, email us at heart2heart@xc.org, or visit us at drdougweiss.com. We are located in Colorado Springs, Colorado.

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"We need to be looking long term at our marriages."
#marriage #marriagequotes
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"Serve your spouse consistently."
#marriage #marriagequotes
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"By dying to ourselves in marriage, we prepare ourselves for the selfless task of parenting."
#marriage #quotes
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"A resistant attitude is often held by those who, deep in their heart, still long to be served".
#attitude #quotes
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"Being a servant is inconvenient, so resentment can build up while you serve if you are not careful."
#resentment #quotes
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