(I've done my best to make the directions as clear as possible, as there is a strong likelihood you only have the reading comprehension of a academically under-achieving 3rd grader)
1- Put your right hand up to the right side of your face. Extended it fully outward from your body, and then thrust your palm into the side of your face with as much force as you can generate. Say 3 hail marys, scold yourself like a puppy that peed on the carpet and take a cold shower.
2- Complete step 1. After you're finished with step 1, make your way outside. Before you make it completely out the door, make sure to stub your toe on something really reeeeally good. Once outside make your way to a known bee hive/wasps nest or take as much time as you need finding one. Once you've found one, take whatever actions necessary to thoroughly provoke the full wrath of the entire hive. Take whatever they can dish out for a solid 2-3 minutes, or until your throat closes up. Immediately seek medical attention afterward no matter how bad the pain makes you want to just give up and die. No sir/ma'am... you have to live with it. 5 more hail marys.
3- Complete steps 1 and 2. Assuming you're not allergic to bee stings and you're still alive, wait a few days for the swelling to go down. Once you feel mostly better, grab a pack of matches or a lighter and a gallon of gasoline/kerosene or a bottle of lighter fluid. Any of them will work. Bring yourself to a public area; a place with plenty of people. Make sure your clothes and body are thoroughly soaked and coated in one of the aforementioned liquids and light yourself on fire with the matches/lighter. Now here is the important part. You must run around screaming, " I CARE ABOUT WHAT ACTOR/ACTRESS FROM TWILIGHT DO IN THEIR FREE TIME. IT MAKES ME FEEL IMPORTANT TO KNOW ABOUT THEIR PERSONAL LIVES." over and over. Saying this will ensure no one has the urge to put out the flames currently engulfing your body in unbridled and excruciating pain. You may also have a few bonus objects thrown at you by passers by.
4- Complete steps 1 through 3. In the less than likely event you survived step 3 (maybe you tripped into a public fountain or perhaps it was raining heavily that day) you undoubtedly have some severe burns. Take lots of time and make sure you burns have healed as much as possible. Treatments will be expensive. You may put yourself and many of your loved ones in financial ruin since your insurance won't cover a self-inflicted injury. Since you're probably less than 100% mobile at this point, find a way into very fast oncoming, preferably highway traffic and wait for the good lord to send sweet sweet 70mph+ relief for your pain.
5- DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT follow steps 1-4. If you truly are so unhappy and unfulfilled with your own life that you need celebrity gossip like that to fill the void in your soul, then no amount of physical pain can surpass the emotional and psychological torture waking up the next day brings you. Live forever with your dark and twisted pain until the afterlife decides what to do with your bruised and beaten soul.
Have a great day :D #kristenstewart #kristenstewartcheats +Kristen Stewart #Humor