I have my phone back! The wipe has so far worked. Downside? +Samsung Mobile USA
has made it so a Factory Reset wipes the internal memory as well as the data partition. Very dumb, considering most backup apps use that memory by default because it's usually more stable than the SDcard and because every phone has it. So I spent and hour making a painstaking backup, only to lose it when I wiped. I could have done the back differently, but I had no reason to believe I had to, as literally I've never seen a phone do that. Regardless, so far my phone is back to it's snappy self, and thanks to #Lollipop
's badass tap & transfer feature, I was able to restore my phone from my tablet, and get back up with minimal loss. Still have to use it a few days to be sure, but I would highly recommend that anyone with a Samsung that has been crippled by Lollipop do a factory reset.