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Please welcome Larissa Swart: Honors Graduate in Industrial Psychology, with a keen interest in relationships and what the essence of a truly happy, successful and loving relationship entails. Larissa has embarked on a journey to find the answer. She will be interviewing couples and sharing her findings with MatchVIP in the form of articles / interviews she has conducted. Here’s the first one, a lovely read with some really great advice:
Meet Steven and Hanlie Inman
He is the National Sales Manager for a media company and she is an entrepreneur.
They will soon be celebrating 30 years of marriage.
Let’s hear their story.
How did you meet?
“Steven and I met when he was still doing his military training. He came to visit a friend of his whom lived in the same complex where I stayed. I heard laughter at our complex pool and thought I would investigate. As I entered the pool area, our eyes met and Steven told me afterwards that he fell in love with my long beautiful legs.” (lol)
Was it love at first sight?
“I don’t really think it was love at first sight; it was definitely an attraction we couldn’t ignore!!”
You have been married for over two decades now. How has your marriage changed over time?
“We have been together for almost 30 years! We always thought of marriage as a long term partnership. We all tend to think marriage changes but it’s only because of the partners involved, it’s called trials and tribulations and how we deal with it. We grow wiser as we grow older. When we were young and in love, it seemed easy going, but once we started having children, buying our first home, looking after our jobs, finances etc., our marriage and the partnership there of, became more challenging and we had to make sure that we grew together as a team, because life threw different curveballs at our marriage and it was how we remained strong and how we dealt with situations that made our marriage survive. Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.”
What do you think are the guidelines for a successful marriage?
“Enjoy each other, faithfulness – be honest all the time, respect your partner, fight skilfully, seek and offer forgiveness, you are in it for the long haul, be positive about each other and continue your courtship. Although, you have to fight off the wrong kind of thinking as it will destroy your marriage. Remember, the devil will trap you with thoughts and your thoughts and senses govern your actions. Avoid seeing, saying, reading, or hearing anything that suggests impurity or unfaithfulness. Thoughts uncontrolled are like an automobile in neutral on a hill. Anything can happen, and the result is always disaster. But most of all, pray together. Pray that you enter not into temptation: ‘The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.’ Matthew 26:41. ‘Pray one for another.’ James 5:16. ‘If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God that gives to all men liberally.’ James 1:5.”
What advice would you give your children/grandchildren about finding a partner?
“I always tell my children to be the person with the qualities of the partner they wish to find one day!”
How do you deal with conflict in your marriage?
“Any relationship will have conflict as we all have different outlooks and ideas but the greatest rule of all and it really covers all the others. Put Christ first! The real secret of true happiness in the home is not diplomacy, strategy, and untiring effort to overcome problems, but rather, union with Christ. Hearts filled with Christ’s love can never be very far apart. With Christ in the home, marriage will be successful. God is the cure for all marriages that are filled with hatred, bitterness, and disappointment. It prevents thousands of divorces by miraculously restoring love and happiness.”
How do you keep your romance alive?
“Love will always endure. In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work and the commitment to grow together with a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through work, the happiness will come – through happiness the romance stays alive…”
Steven and Hanlie found love their way. Let MatchVIP help you find your perfect match today. Contact us on 072 582 4345 for further information.
This stage of a relationship naturally progresses as time goes on but you will know that you’ve reached this phase of a relationship as soon as your discussions become more about ‘we’ and ‘us’ than ‘me’ and ‘you’.
You will naturally start making important life decisions more dependently of each other, or more collectively, thereby working together towards longer term goals as you have now already established that you would like to be with one another.
It is at stage 4 of the relationship when a couple naturally settles into the relationship and start resolving conflicts or differences in opinion for the longer haul. Love becomes more decisional and less romantic as the infatuation you had with one another will start to wear off. The good news is that you have now developed a mature and stable love and respect for each other. This is where the real love begins as your expectations of what you can get out of this relationship turn into what you can give this person that you love and cherish to dearly.
You see you cannot reach stage 4 of a relationship if there isn’t complete and total trust and a desire to make each other happy whilst working towards the same common goals in life. Here is where you make a team: The two of you against the rest of the world.
It is also at this stage where most people get engaged.
If you haven’t reached this stage within 3 to 5 years of a relationship then the chances are that you probably never will. This may be due to many someone in the relationship being extremely selfish and placing their needs above all else, or one of the parties in the relationship may just be emotionally dysfunctional (substance abuse, physical abuse, etc.) or non-committal for whatever reason.
The Secrets To Lasting Relationships:
Meet Martin and Vanessa de Villiers.
He worked as an accountant for a large investment company and she worked as a paralegal for a very large international beverage manufacturer. They are now living the beautiful retiree life.
They will soon be celebrating 24 years of marriage.
Let’s hear their story…
How did you meet?
Martin very proudly answers this one and leaves Vanessa laughing like they only met last night.
“Vanessa worked for the managing director and chairman as a P.A. and I was a direct report to the chairman. We use to meet and discuss management meetings and board documents. I took Vanessa out for her 23rd birthday and one thing led to the next and we are still here.”
Has religion played a role in your marriage and raising your children?
“Yes it has and it still does. We have always attended bible studies and the kids joined Sunday school and confirmation classes. I (Vanessa) proudly sang in the choir and we supported the Church in all its functions and events. Unfortunately our minister retired and the church disintegrated and we have not been able to find a congregation in which we feel comfortable. Nevertheless, we still keep the message of the Lord alive in our home and in our hearts.”
What is the hardest thing you have had to deal with in your married life and how did you deal with it?
“Unquestionably, the biggest challenge we had to face was the loss of Martins eye sight. A few years ago he lost all vision in his right eye and he only has 30% of his left eyes vision remaining. This caused the company he was working for to put him on disability pension. This put a lot of pressure on our marriage and financial means. We had to take it day by day. Patience and understanding with one another became key factors in the success of our marriage.”
How long did you wait after your engagement to get married? Do you feel it’s important to have a time period between the engagement and the wedding?
“We were together 5 years before we got married and there was almost no engagement, just a wedding. It’s important to have time to get to know your partner before getting married”
How would you characterise your communication with your partner?
“We have a good, open relationship. We believe in having honesty and love present all the time. We always end up laughing at the mistakes and the bad times too”
What’s the best memory you have with your partner?
Without leaving a second to spare, Martin and Vanessa answers simultaneously
“Having our kids”
Vanessa adds: “Every anniversary is a special memory!”
Martin gets in the last word while looking at Vanessa: “Every day, even the bad days. I have the best partner in the world”
Martin and Vanessa found love their way. Are you ready to find your perfect match? Contact MatchVIP dating service today and let us help you find what we are all looking for.
I will be looking at a very important subject over the next couple of months. The topic is qualities to look for when choosing the right partner for ourselves. I am proposing that there are at least 6 non-negotiables that should be included in our list of Must Haves & Deal Breakers before we take a relationship to the next level of commitment. Without these the relationship will probably be dissatisfying, frustrating and even unhealthy.
As with all areas of my coaching I’m adamant that we look at ourselves first before insisting that our partner has these qualities. If we don’t have the necessary qualities ourselves then we are most likely not relationship ready anyway. The elements that I will be highlighting are not the superficial aspects that make us look twice at a person (beautiful eyes), not their personality (friendly) but the more important character traits that are necessary for a relationship to stand the test of time…..happily!
I have chosen integrity as the first part in the Qualities Series for good reason. Without it there just isn’t a relationship worse pursuing and investing in. So, let’s look at integrity. What is it? Why is it important? How do we develop it?
What is Integrity?
According to Wikipedia: Integrity stems from the Latin adjective integer ,which in this context means “whole and complete” and is derived from qualities such as honesty and consistency of character. Those having integrity would be judged on the extent to which they act according to the values, beliefs and principles they claim to hold.
Synonyms: honest, upright, sincere, unimpaired, etc.
Antonyms: dishonest, deceitful, immoral, untrustworthy, etc.
Why is Integrity Important?
Your integrity determines your reputation. Not telling the truth, playing games or making promises you have no intention of keeping is the most significant way that people ruin friendships and couples kill affection, build resentment and destroy intimacy.
How do we develop Integrity?
By building and improving characteristics such as:
the courage of your convictions,
strength of character,
responsibility & reliability,
openness & transparency.
identify your core values,
analyse your behaviour,
practice changing your behaviour,
enlist the help of friends or a coach.
I once coached a businessman who was having problems in his relationship. I decided that it would be a good idea for us to look at whether he and his partner were in fact compatible and whether his loved one had the qualities that were important for their relationship to work. She did! But then I asked him if he did. He didn’t! When I asked him whether he was trustworthy he said: I don’t lie but I sometimes withhold the truth. That’s not lying is it? Wow! What a scary thought. His idea of integrity was totally different to his wife’s and this was clearly a problem, and would continue to be as long as this disconnect remained.
If you are lacking in this area then work on your integrity and you can expect your partner to have this quality if you are seeking out a satisfying relationship. Trust me when I say that this is a must for any relationship of substance!
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