Dell server problems fixed
Picked up 2 Dell r710 servers for a client. Firmwares were all massively out of date, but one server inparticular, was shipped with the original first release of all firmware (never updated). Updating it turned into a nightmare.
Long short, every official method of updating the firmware and LCC failed, usually because the update software (be it Dell SUU, USC, etc) insisted that 1. There were no applicable updates available on ftp.dell.com
, or 2. When I downloaded the updates manually, they refused to be applied, again because they figured they were not applicable to this system. I'm pretty confident this is simply because Dell lost track of firmware version numbers or something, so all newer releases of all update/management utilities, failed to recognize the system due to the firmware being too old. FUUUU.
FINALLY, after trying everything else, I believe I found a solution.
I booted up the server using Dells bootable Linux system admin disc (don't recall what it's called). It does contain several update utilities, but they all failed as well.
What ended up working was to use this environment to run the ESM Firmware 2.85 update binary ESM_Firmware_J7YYK_LN32_2.85_A00.BIN
HOLY FUCK! This updates the LCC and UEFI USC to a high enough version that Platform Update utility inside UEFI USC finally works! WAAAAAAATHEFAAACKK!!!
Yea... So anyhow, if you've got a Dell server where Platform Update from USC doesn't work because it doesn't recognize your system (and just states thats no updates are available), download the ESM Firmware update applicable to your system (latest possible), apply it through iDRAC webui, reboot to USC and Platform Update should now work.
Also, of course, Dell support could not help me. Took me several calls to trick someone into trying to help, as this was a used system no longer under support, but even then they were stumped and wanted to just send me a new mainboard. Fuckars.